June

by Emilio Hartnell

“It’s just wrong,” Evie said.
I didn’t look up from my computer, typing away at a study guide. Evie leaned with her back to my desk, reading an article on her phone. After a few more seconds of peaceful silence, Evie spoke up again. “The androids… Don’t you think they’re kind of disrespecting nature?”
“I don’t keep up with the news,” I lied.
“So you’ve never heard of these kinds of people?” Evie turned to raise a skeptical eyebrow at me.
“I mean, of course I have. Who hasn’t? I just don’t know all the politics and stuff around them.”
“You really should check the news once in a while, June.” Evie turned her phone towards me, showing off the top of the article. In bold, black font, the title read, “Grotesque Android
Surgeries Remain Legal in 15 States: What This Means For Our Young Men and Women.” The image used for the header was a stock photo of a dingy operating table in ghoulish lighting, complete with rusty syringes, scalpels, and bandage scissors. “I don’t understand why anyone would want to do this to themselves. It’s terrifying.”
I spun my chair away from the screen with a huff. “Once I’m done here, we can talk politics all you want.” I gestured towards my computer in exasperation, showing off the 20 or so
tabs I had open. “But right now, I really need to focus.”
If this had been a month or two ago, I wouldn’t have minded the distraction. Evie and I’s little chats had been getting me through the days, even if it did mean I turned in a few assignments late. Now, with her current fixation on androids and the media frenzy surrounding them, it felt like she turned into a whole new person. I tried to avoid the topic altogether, but I still saw her social media posts, still heard the way she talks to her friends on the phone.

“They’re dangerous,” I once heard her say, “Someone needs to do something about them.”

“Oh, right.” Evie pocketed the phone, walking across our tiny living room to grab her bag. “I’m going to go get dinner, then. Any requests?”
“I’m not hungry, I’ll make something later.”
“…That’s not really like you. Are you sure you’re doing OK?” Evie’s voice lowered in genuine concern. It only made my blood pressure spike further.
“Yes,” I snapped, a little too quickly for comfort. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“OK.” I didn’t have to look back to see the frown forming on her face, reserved for the times I was at my worst. “Well, I’ll get you some fries just in case,” said Evie, graciously not mentioning my attitude. She swung her bag over her shoulder and strode out the door. “See you in a bit.”
Only when the door clicked shut did I relax, sighing and letting my shoulders slump.

As I stared at my half-finished study guide, the words all started to blend together. The pieces were right in front of me but I stopped putting them together. Something was jammed in my brain. Grotesque Android Surgeries Remain Legal in 15 States. How long would it be until that number reached zero? Countless bright futures flicked off with a single switch. I placed a hand over the edge of my overheated laptop and closed it, deadlines be damned.

As I folded my arms across the flat surface, I glanced at the window overlooking the desk. The blinds were shut already, promising to keep my secrets safe. I glanced back at the door that Evie disappeared out of. It stood tall and confrontational, threatening to open at any moment and reveal that Evie had returned early for whatever reason. I strained to hear any footsteps outside. Nothing. I took a deep breath, breaking eye contact with the door.

I rolled up the baggy sleeve of my sweater, looking down at the rectangular indent in my forearm. It was almost invisible, especially if you didn’t know there was anything to be looking for at all. Most people didn’t. I still didn’t like to take any chances. I slid my fingernails under the edge of the indent, catching the metal plate under the synthetic skin, and pulled the panel open on its hinges. I had long grown used to the unnatural sight of peeling back my skin and seeing the internals underneath, put into place with the utmost grace and intention. I gently traced my fingers down the steel endoskeleton that now replaced my bones, and over the colorful wires that were now my nerves. I didn’t feel a thing, of course. The cables emitted a gentle hum that always managed to ground me back in reality. My old bones never used to sing for me quite in the same way. All they were good for was bleeding and aching.

I’m certain it would have come across as vanity to the rest of the world, the way I obsessed over my own body. The way I’ve memorized the contours of my face, the intricacies of my hands, the shape of my legs. Over the past two decades of my life I’ve come to understand that the body I was given serves only to imprison me.

I tried to love myself, of course. I’ve gone through one therapist after the other for years with no results, scoured every corner of the internet for any kind of solution, and tried every mindfulness technique that could possibly fix me. I got nothing but wasted money and wasted time for my troubles. All my concerns were mistaken as a desire to become beautiful, to become wanted. No one could explain why I recoiled at the sound of my own name.

In the end, I realized what I wanted couldn’t be achieved through therapy, scam weight loss diets, or plastic surgery. I saw what the androids on TV were after, with their exposed
circuitry and harsh robotic voices, and it was not beauty.
Slowly, part by part, I rebuilt myself. Through several successive surgeries, my endoskeleton slowly creeped up the length of my arms over time, starting from the fingers and working its way up. I had ambitions of one day having the funds to be fully mechanized, with no man left in the machine. The knowledge that my artificial limbs would be customized to my liking, that I was building a version of myself that reflected who I was, made it bearable to look at myself again. With every cable and wire I added, I chipped away from the prison bars that held me back.

Evie would never understand this feeling.

—————————————————————————–

Looking back, it was pretty stupid of me to openly advertise myself as an android in Bluerock County on the internet. I got lucky that the one person who actually responded to my pleas for community wasn’t an axe-murderer with a lust for cyborg blood. Instead, I reached Athena, who enthusiastically arranged a meeting spot for us. We clicked almost immediately, branching away from the topic of androids to talk about our favorite bands and movies. Only after we got to know each other did she point out that I should probably delete the post I made.

Since then, I made it a point to meet up with Athena at least once a month. Tonight, she invited me over to her apartment, a space that was undeniably hers and hers alone. I had been there before, excitedly opening the door to the tiny space. I was immediately greeted by the smell of burning candles, a warm floral scent permeating the room. Ambient mood lighting painted the room with a pink glow. Posters for bands I had never heard of, filled with black and white scribbled logos and moody looking musicians lined the walls. There was no rhyme or reason to the placement, only to cram as many posters in the small space as physically possible. Athena was seated on her well-worn couch, beckoning me inside. I stepped awkwardly over the several charging cables splayed out on the floor to get closer.

“Come on in, make yourself at home,” Athena said.
She looked wildly different every time I saw her. Today, she had removed the outer layer of synthetic skin on her arms, leaving the metal bones and wires completely exposed. As she waved me over, I could see the cylindrical joints of her thin fingers. Her cropped tank top revealed a heavily tattooed torso, the only organic part of herself she planned on keeping. Her messy hair framed her faceplate, and her bright LED screen eyes.

I felt rather plain compared to Athena. In my oversized hoodie that hid most of myself away, I looked remarkably human.

I sat down on the couch next to her and got to talking right away. Her electronic voice filled the air, regaling me with work stories and personal dramas. “I can’t believe they keep
doing this by accident,” she laughed. “You’d think people would steer clear of the only android-owned parlor in town if they didn’t want to see androids there.”
“I don’t know how you do it,” I chuckled half-heartedly. “Doesn’t it get exhausting having people hate you all the time?”
Athena shrugged. “Sure it does. But it was more exhausting to try and live as someone I wasn’t.”
“…I guess you have a point,” I replied.

Athena turned to face me, eyes flickering. “You seem like you have something on your mind.”
“It’s nothing, just…” I tugged at my hoodie drawstrings. “Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. I mean, my roommate already hates me, and she doesn’t even know it yet. All she talks
about is how much we’re immoral freaks of nature. If she knew what I really was…”
I didn’t want to imagine it.
Athena frowned. “The hard part of it all is that you’re going to lose some people along the way. A lot of them won’t ever look at you the same way.”
“But I thought Evie was different! Before she started talking about us, I thought that…”
My vision blurred, tears simmering in my eyes. “I wanted to tell her who I really was.”
“She was never your friend, June.” Athena placed her steel hand on my shoulder. It was surprisingly warm. “A lot of people have cut me off over the years, you know. Even a lot of my family wants nothing to do with me anymore.” She gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. “And I had to realize that if they didn’t love me for who I am, then they never really loved me at all.”
“And it sucks,” Athena sighed. “It’s not an easy thing to realize.”
“What if it’s not even worth it?” my voice broke. “What if I made everyone I love hate me and I still can’t look at myself in the mirror?”
Through misty eyes, I looked back to Athena. The way she sat, slouched forwards with her hand on my shoulder, gave off an air of exhaustion and weariness I couldn’t before read on her mechanized features. “I can’t tell you if it’s gonna be worth it. I can tell you how I feel, but whether or not this is right for you is your own choice to make. But I think,” Athena leaned in, pulling me into a tight embrace, “you already know the answer.”
Despite her endoskeleton arms jutting into me, it was the safest I had ever felt in my life.

—————————————————————————–

The student housing halls were eerily quiet as I crept through them. It was about 3:00AM, and if there were any unfortunate souls still awake at this hour, they made no indication of
it.

I opened the door as silently as I could, only to find all our lights still on. Evie was sitting on the couch, reviewing some notes. “June,” she said, snapping her head towards me, “You’re back.”
I froze, feeling as if Evie had just caught me committing murder. It certainly didn’t do much to spare me any suspicion. “Yeah.”
“Where were you?” Evie asked. “I know it’s none of my business, but still.”
“Visiting a friend.” It was the truth, and a very innocuous truth at that, but I still felt like I was digging myself a deeper grave. “Were you waiting for me?”
“Kind of? I know you can handle yourself, but I did want to see if you got home safe. I got some work done too,” Evie gestured with her notebook. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
She waited for me. I had spent the evening agonizing over the future and mourning our friendship, all the while she was worried about me. She waited for me.
I felt sick.
Before I could get my bearings, Evie started to speak again, “Listen, I’ve been wanting to talk to you all night and since we’re already here-”
“I should really go to bed.”

“June.” The emphasis with which she said my name made my skin crawl. “Please, I just want to check in on you.” All of me wanted to run back the way I came, slam the door shut, and never look back.
To run away to a place where I’d never have to be June again. “I’m doing fine.”
“You’ve been acting so weird lately. I just want to know what’s going on.” Evie flashed me a gentle smile. “Whatever it is, I’ll understand.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“I promise I will.” Evie stood up from the couch, slowly bridging the gap between us.
Would she? After the weeks of utter hatred I’ve heard spit up from her lips? Knowing what the news was instilling in her? Even if my way of life slowly became criminalized? The whole world was on Evie’s side. Who would I be to her after this?
“Just drop it. Please. We’ll both be happier that way.”
“I don’t understand.” The way Evie looked at me with her pleading eyes, it was hard to believe this was the same person I was so close with. “Aren’t we friends?” She never once
considered the possibility that the thing she hated the most was standing right in front of her, and had always been so, watching and listening. How could she? She loved me, after all.
She’s going to find out eventually.
“Fine. You want to know so badly?”
Evie’s face melted into a relieved smile. She believed she had finally made a breakthrough. “I do.”
I rolled up my sleeve, slowly and deliberately. Evie’s eyes traced the motion in confusion.
With my forearm completely exposed, I slid my fingernail underneath the panel, gingerly
pushing it ajar.

I heard a sharp, horrified gasp.

—————————————————————–

Evie transferred to a different dorm within the week. We didn’t speak much at all after that incident, and I haven’t seen her since.

It’s quiet, without her. On more than one occasion did I catch myself looking forward to a friendly chat after class, only to remember no one was waiting for me anymore. It was almost funny how a cramped dorm suddenly seemed so much bigger once Evie was gone, her side of the room now empty, no bed sheets, no laundry hamper, no desk lamp. Her absence sleeps in my peripheral.

Athena brightens up the space quite easily when she visits, though.

I’m still working out where I want to go from here. I thought of switching career paths, becoming a surgeon, doing some good for other androids once in a while.

The future seems so lonely sometimes. I often wonder if I’m doomed to endure a constant parade of rejection, if it’s going to be just me and Athena against the world for the rest of my days. Would I regret what I’ve done to myself?

As the days pass, and I grow a little more comfortable in my synthetic skin, I remember
who I am becoming. My life blossoms with promise. A future is still possible. I will not be
trapped forever, I will not be lonely forever. My friends are out there, somewhere. Perhaps they
are hiding in plain sight, just the same as I was.

Somewhere between the margins of myself, June has quietly died. Her old friends mourn
and remember her fondly as she was, etched in their memories as beautifully, wholly organic, frozen in time. Even if they despise the me who now stands in her place, I am the one who reads her obituary. I am the one she left everything to.

No one can take that from me.

Emelio Hartnell (he/him) is a trans man in his third year at Fullerton College.